Feelings
by RazorLike
Summary: Sequel to "Rain" Things were as good as they were before Ichigo reunited with Rukia. But now the tables are turned, what used to be is no more, and Renji strives to keep his head above the steady flow of his feelings...


**_A/N : This is a sequel to "Rain", a two shot fiction about Ichigo's return to Soul Society after sixty years and meeting up with Rukia. For those who already have red "Rain", the story goes on from where we left it, with a small gap to trigger your minds._**

**_For those of you who haven't read "Rain", no worries, just enjoy this one ^_^_**

* * *

**Feelings**

"Bankai"

Two voices growled simultaneously. Two pairs of hands clasped the tsuka***** of two Katana, two pairs of eyes connected to each other, measuring the opponent.

"Howl, Zabimaru." the fierce redhead man hissed to his sword, and among the dust of his released form, a gigantic baboon with a lion's fur rose towards the skies. It rushed forward to a much smaller form, a man dressed in a wavy black haori. His orange hair stood up brightly, though droplets of sweat hung from it.

Yet the man was smiling, obviously mocking the threatening bankai approaching with killing accuracy and intention. His eyes never left the moving enemy. Moment before the baboon king strike his attack, the man grinned devilishly. "Getsuga Tensho." He screamed.

Would a lightning had landed onto the ground would have caused less of a damage. The earth crumbled under such a destroying power, and a thick cloud of dirt dimmed the air. A loud thud echoed and the spine and head of the Baboon King collapsed before the surprised eyes of his owner.

"Damn you!" the redhead hissed and arched his tattooed brows, more in surprise than in real anger. His arms hung heavily down his sides and he puffed out the air from his lungs heavily. "Third time in a row, damn it! You've gotten stronger!"

"Of course I have, Renji." Ichigo Kurosaki grinned and slid his katana back into its saya******. Had he had ages to practice since the last time he had set foot into Seireitei…

"Man, that brings back a lot of memories… " Ichigo muttered and his eyes nostalgically scanned through the so familiar yet so new landscape around him. It was so…heartwarming, so overwhelming to see those grounds again…The practicing area shimmered under the sunlight, foul of life and memories.

"You sure missed it." Renji laughed and seethed his Zanpakuto. Though it was midst of February, sweat was still rolling down his half naked form. The air was blowing, gently as it seemed, after the hard exercise. "So" the man asked, averting his eyes from Ichigo "what does it feel like?" The latter glared him questioningly.

"What do you mean?"

"Being back…It must have been hard, after so many years." Renji said, though a deep crimson color crept up his cheeks. He clearly wanted to ask something entirely different.

"It feels like I never left." Ichigo murmured and closed his eyes despite the air, which had suddenly turned a lot colder. A light shiver run through his spine and he shifted his weight uncomfortably from one leg to another. "Let's go home." he suggested and took the lead without waiting for Renji.

All of a sudden, the familiar and wanted presence of his friend had turned into something he wanted to get rid of.

Two steps behind, Renji stared at Ichigo's back, filled with guilt. A part of him was happy, relieved even, by his return. It filed a gap somewhere inside of him, the Ichigo he knew and somehow loved. The other part, though, was a thorn in his heart; because, as much as he wanted him to be happy in Seireitei, he couldn't ignore the fact that Ichigo had reclaimed the most important person in his life : Rukia, the only woman he had ever had feelings for.

He knew those two made a spectacular couple, they were meant for each other and-

_'Bullshit.'_ he though and gritted his teeth. _'I was that close to winning over his memory.'_ he said in his head. _'and if hadn't, oh so frantically appeared, I would have made Rukia happy instead of him.'_

Guild spawned inside of him again as he heard Ichigo's low mumble ahead. _'It's my friend we're talking about. Damn, I can't think of him that way…'_ Yet again, his mind was wavering, failing him once more. It was a process he had followed many time before, since Ichigo's return.

"Oi, Renji! Are you even listening?"

"W-What?" Renji statured and focused. A pair of dubious caramel eyes fell on him, questioning.

"I said, would you like to have a drink with me inside?" Ichigo repeated and pointed the wide wooden door of his and Rukia's apartment.

Renji's stomach clenched; in fear and anticipation. Fear that she would be inside, waiting for Ichigo to return. Anticipation to see her, look into her eyes again. He swallowed dryly and waved negatively. "Nah, thank you. I…" he pushed his lips to smile "I'm tired. I'll just go home and rest."

"Uh…sure, whatever." Ihcigo replied, staring at the ground and slid the light wooden door to open. The low clinching noise it made as it slid back in place echoed in Renji's ears, even after Ichigo had disappeared inside the house.

_'Now, Renji, go.'_ He ordered himself sternly. He had to go now, before it was too late.

_'Come on, move your legs!'_ he willed himself, but his body was unable to follow. His legs refused to take a step back. So he just stood there, with his eyes slowly tearing up…Anticipating.

Beaten, he fixed his eyes downwards, waiting for the inevitable pain, the nasty clench in his heart, for his breath to stop….

_"Ichigo!"_ the happy jingle of a voice so familiar, so beloved, so craved for. _"You came home…"_

He could barely stand the sound of happiness, though he longed to hear it. He shut his eyes tightly, fantasizing those words where meant for him, and for him only.

How he longed to hear those words from her lips, how he ached to see her eyes shining brightly at his entrance…The sweet embrace of her loving arms around him had been his only dream for ages, decades, centuries…

"And a dream it shall remain…" Renji sighed. He slowly, so very agonizingly slowly took a step back and, eyes still shut, he turned on his feet. The pain in his heart, so well know, escalated, burning deeper inside. Yes, it was unbearable. He only wanted to ease the pain, to get lost into a hot, secure nothingness, in a place where her voice would sound only for him.

He knew such a place would never exist but inside his heart, willing to keep beating for the sole purpose of hoping she would turn to him. Knowing that there was no use reviving after each cold, solemn night except for the sight of her bright face. Being well aware that he could ever be able to live without having her. Not any more.

The pain grew stronger, run through his system with the unsteady beating of his swollen heart. But he smiled despite the pain, showing his teeth, a plan to escape the mental torture already forming in his head.

"Damn…it can't get any worse." He murmured and bit down on his lower lip. "Or can it?"

**…**

"Ichigo…?"

A long, shiny strand of dark raven hair caressed his hand. That caress meant that she had been worried enough to sat herself next to him on the matted wooden floor, leaning closer to examine his face.

"I'm fine…" Ichigo assured without being asked. He didn't need to be, he could clearly hear the precise amount of worry in her voice. A low hum escaped her lips, expressing the utter doubt of his loving partner.

His wife to be…

That smile brought a smirk upon his lips and broke his, until then, absolute concentration. His lids parted and soon Rukia's face appeared in front of him with her sight diving in his.

"What's troubling you so?" she demanded. Her fingers reached out to touch his face lovingly, tracing the shape of his lips, the small curve of his chin. "You have been sitting here for hours."

"I was…" he cut his phrase in the middle. He didn't want to worry her with his thoughts of Renji and his strange behavior. Besides, deep inside he thought he knew exactly the reason behind his actions.

"…Meditating." He completed after some though. Amused, he watched her brows twitch and then arch in surprise.

"Well, that's something new!" she exclaimed. "You rarely meditate!"

She looked so happy and confident. Ichigo would never have the courage to tell her about Renji, that he knew for sure. "There's always the first time." He smiled and pulled her onto him. He hared her gasp, surprised as he sat her on his lap and circled his arms around her frail form. Then came her soft laughter which set his mind at ease.

"You know that I love you, right?" Ichigo asked, pushing his body closer to hers, soughing for her warmth. Her hair created a thick veil to separate them from the world, a river of black velvet running free down her back, reaching the ground.

"I know." Rukia simply said and cupped his hands with her tiny - in comparison to his - palms. "I wouldn't change this love for anything in this world; in any world." She meaningfully added and leaned back against his chest. Now her head rested against his shoulder, and Ichigo could see those deep dark eyes of hers gleam, her soft rosy lips murmuring a harmonic melody.

He couldn't blame Renji for loving her so deeply all those years. Yet he could barely accept the fact…

**…**

The dawn had always been a spectacle for all the citizens of Soul Society. They loved to open up their windows, let the fresh air in and gaze towards the rising sun; that slight moment of perfection when the deepest tomes of cooper mingled with the dark blue of the night sky. It felt like something different was being created.

That specific dawn, Rukia smiled brightly at the newborn sun. She saluted the light warmth of the first weak sunbeams which casted shadows on her lover's body. He oh so loved to sleep shirtless, one arm behind his head, the other hand protectively secured around her waist. Sometimes Rukia had it hard to escape that loving grip…

Not today, though. She stayed next to him until her body had consumed his essence and her eyes needed him no more. So she decided to smile gently towards his sleeping form, peck his lower lip and get out of bed early for once. As much as she loved to nuzzle against him for hours, she had things to do today.

With a sigh, she threw the blankets off her body and stood. The night robe she wore slid effortlessly down her ankles. Leaving her black and white uniform resting on the back of a chair, she chose to wear the dress her brother, Byakuya, had given her as a wedding gift. A fine silk kimono, plain white on the torso with a pattern of silver lily flowers decorating the hakama from the waist to the selvage. She loved that dress….

With a last lingering glare on Ichigo's face, she tied her Zanpakuto on her shash and slid the door open.

How she loved the silent roads of Seireitei! So little people chose to take a walk so early in the morning. She shivered due to the sudden cold air, happy that the small shop she was looking for was close.

She turned left into an alley, thinking how lucky she was to marry to Ichigo at that time of the year, when the mild cold of Soul Society allowed thin silk dressed when-

…she stopped, genuinely surprised at the hooded man leaning against the nearest wall. He stood bowing lightly so all she could distinguish were his thin lips.

All at once her happy and carefree attitude disappeared, giving way to her Shinigami faculty. She griped her Zanpakuto, content she had brought it with her, and unsheathed it to its tsuba. "Who are you?" she demanded, staring at the man who was now smiling. Rukia took a step closer to the stranger, threateningly glaring him. "Answer me!"

The man threw his hood back with a flow motion and bowed down lightly, never breaking eye contact with the woman. A river of fiery cooper hair sprawled on the shoulders and framed his face.

"Abarai Renji, ma'am." He presented himself. "Would you like to know my Division and seat, as well?" he formally asked and a faint mockery painted his voice.

"Renji!" Rukia exclaimed and immediately seethed her sword. "You foul, you really took me aback!" she laughed and, naturally, hugged her friend. She backed off, though, when she felt his body stiffen under her touch, and Renji stood upwards.

"Come." He nodded and put on his hood again. "I need to talk to you…" he headed of with Rukia at his side.

"What's wrong?" she questioned, but the man just sighed. "Renji…" Rukia muttered "You rarely come home lately…" she lowly complaint. "You used to come over a lot all those past years."

"Well" Renji snarled, "your apartments used to be a lot more quieter back then…Less crowded, that is."

Rukia frowned at his tone and her accusing glare fell on the side of his face. "I hope you're nor referring to Ichigo…" The icy cold voice sent a light shiver running down Renji's spine.

"How could I…?" he muttered, rolling his eyes when she couldn't see him.

"So…" the woman questioned after a short moment "what did you want to talk about?" she tried, really tried to sound more cheerful than she felt. It seemed so unnatural, so stiff and false; pretending to be happy around her friend. Said friend pushed his index against his lips, demanding silence.

Her frown leveled up to a scolding expression; she hushed, though, and followed him among the small streets of Seireitei, wondering where they were heading to.

"Here." His hand grabbed hers and, in a mater of minutes, they were concealed from the rest of the world, behind a thick wooden door. Rukia blinked in the sudden darkness, breathed in the heavy smell of old sake, rotting wall paint and a mixture of perfume and sweat. The vastly deteriorating insides of what she supposed was a room were covered in white, paint stained paper.

"Where are we? She asked, but a hand, his hand, cautiously cupped her mouth and every sound was muffled by Renji's flesh.

"Shhh.." he hushed her with that special mild tone he always kept for her. "It's just an old painter's workshop." He slowly let her go and she turned, her hand on her zanpakuto once again. "You won't be needing this…" Renji nodded to the sword.

"I don't understand." Her eyes blinked twice and cast upon him, his posture, the lightly pronounced jaw, his eyes shining in the obscure, tiny room. "Why did you bring me here?"

He could clearly see how startled she was, how out of place she was feeling. A faint tint or pink had shadowed her cheeks; her kimono had shifted out of place on her shoulders, hanging loosely around her waist. The shash was almost undone from his previous tag on her. "Listen I-"

There was nothing to say, really. Nothing to be expressed with words. Hell, he didn't' even know if there were words to describe what he felt!

What he had been feeling though all those years.

"I…just wanted to see you…for the last time." He made that up, of course. Merely looking, staring at her, even, had never been enough. But that little, frail lie had an effect. She immediately relaxed and her lips were pulled in a genuine smile, mixed with a concerned glare.

"You thought you weren't going to see me because of the wedding, right? That Ichigo wouldn't like it if my best friend came by a couple of times a week…" She assumed, and laugh at that though. "How silly of you, really. You know me better that this!"

"No, I-" he managed, before she cut him off.

"Did you really believe he'd have a problem with you dropping by? Oh, Renji, he even suggested you be the one to get us married..." Rukia mentioned, clearly not paying attention to him.

"Rukia, would yo-"

"Not a chance." She closed him with an almost angry look. "You, Abarai Renji, really are as dump as a _rock_. I demand that I get to see yo-"

"I love you."

The statement fell on her ears with a loud, unpleasant thud, like something broken fall on the ground. One moment she stood there, uncomprehendingly staring at him, trying to figure him out; the next one, his arms have thrown her violently against the wall, shoved her down on the ground. A weeping, broken Renji weeping, his face hidden between the silk fabric of her kimono. Concealed. Alone. In pain.

"Ren..ji..." she mastered. His hand gripped on the kimono and it slid down, leaving her shoulders bare.

"I'm sorry, Rukia, so sorry." Renji mourned. " I should have kept that to myself, as I have since...Well, since forever, I think." He huffed in a fruitless attempt to compose himself. Supported on her, he lifted his tear-stained face up and fixed a pair of puffy eyes on hers.

Rukia saw it then, for the first time; the look of someone who is drowning and searches desperately for something to hold on to, to keep them on the surface.

"I'm so sorry." He said again. His fingers grazed her lips, the shape of her nose, her eyelids, the shallow crook of her neck. "I should have left Soul Society years ago, when he appeared. But, for some reason, I kept hoping that you could …" he gulped down hard and his eyes sunk, tearing up again, threatening to spill his sorrow, his grieve on the silk. "..Forget him."

Maybe she knew all along, after all. Somehow, magically convinced that his feelings towards her were only friendly, that of a brother's towards his younger sister; she grew accustomed to his affectionate manners, deeming them as natural.

But she had known the truth from the very first day they had met.

"I love Ichigo." She half muttered, half wept; for there was no turning back to the old, happy days with Renji, the best friend, best partner, constant confidant.

_Her Renji._

"I know you do." He admitted. His arms, strong, warm, sure, circled her frame and pulled her against his heating body. He protectively held her onto his fast beating heart, like something precious he held dear. "If only there was a chance I could keep you inside my heart forever…"

He must have felt it; the tear that managed to escape her eye. His fingers eased through her hair, dark, long and silk. "Don't cry." he whispered and pushed her off of him enough to take a hungry, long glare of her face

"I have to get back." Another tear slid down her face, all the way down to her neck. It disappeared between the curves of her breasts, under his sight.

"This is the last time we see each other." Renji smiled sadly. He saw his words sinking in, her eyes widen in terror.

"You can't leave!" she gasped. "You can't leave _me_!" her palms clasped against his chest, her nails dug in his flesh. "I'm not letting you go."

"As much as I'm happy about it, and believe me, there is nothing I want more than be held captive by you…" he gave her another forced, pained smile "I can't."

"Renji, _please_…" she whimpered, tears forming again in the corners of her eyes. But this time his finger shut her lips, forced them close.

"I was angry at first." Renji sad softly "that you chose him. I grieved for I knew I would never have you. And it's ok, really" He forced a smile and glared down. "You two are meant to be together." he manged, bitterly uttering every word. "You know, I always indulged just by your sight, never asking for more. But now that I'm about to leave, I have one thing to ask for…" His fingers gave way to her lips so she could whimper at his hand searching southwards. She sat there, stunned under his fingers working on her sash, frozen.

"Renji…" Her pained voice made his hands tighten for a moment, then move even faster. He saw her eyes shutting in faint recognition of what was to come, and he smiled. Her arms dropped down on her lap and there she was, defenseless in front of him.

_'I could do anything to her now…'_ he though, trying to tame the temptation through seer willpower. No, he didn't want to harm her or force himself on her. What he had always longed for was her true, _unforced_ love. Now that that chance was gone, maybe forever…

She felt his fingers grazing her palms, forcing them open. She dared a look down on her lap and her sight met with the unsheathed blade of her Zanpakuto circled by her fingers, all cupped and put in place by Renji's hands. Eyes wide, she looked up at him, into his.

"I don't understand…" she whispered in dear, for she really did understand, and the though, the realisation was more than frightening. It was dreadful.

"I love you." He said one last time and leaned in, placing his lips on hers….

…while his hands pulled hers towards him, letting the shining blade of Sode no Sirayuki penetrate his flesh.

There was a millisecond of peace, when Rukia could feel everything like in slow motion: his lips closing hers as her hands were guided forward; their lips finally meeting, locking in a soft, so very soft kiss while her blade shivered in delight, pushing through his abdomen; her eyes widen in terror and he hands letting the katana free, tasting his blood on her tongue, a lingering taste of mint, iron and something that could only be Renji's personal flavor.

Then time rushed forward, as it always has…

"No…" she whispered and pulled the blade from his body, desperately placing her quivering hands upon his wound, wanting to stop the blood, keep it inside. "NO!" she yelled as tears begun to run madly down her face, soak her kimono and her hands. "Stay with me! Stay with me, Renji!" she screamed, searching for a spark of life inside his quickly dulling cores.

His last smile imprinted vividly in her mind for ever; a smile only meant for her, saying everything he had never had the will to say. His lips formed her name, silently, for the last time.

And he was gone.

**…**

_**Epilogue**_

The sun was a bright red color that afternoon. It resembled blood. But, to her, everything would resemble blood from now and then.

Ichigo stood by her side, supporting her. He was afraid that, given the chance, she would jump off that cliff where those lonely graves marked the hard dirt. He let her kneel near the fresh popped ground, though, dig her fingernails as deep as it went, until they bled. He let her push her lips on the dirt until her face was smeared with rotten leaves and mud, and tears.

He let himself free to soundlessly cry for the loss of his friend, mourn for him and Rukia.

Rukia…His wife…

The saddest wife in the history of Seireitei, the one that marched to him dressed in black. The wife that was given black tulips from her spouse instead of white roses.

They made a nice couple, marrying under a cloudy sky, crying instead of smiling, holding hands tightly during the ceremony, desperately kissing in the end, holding onto each other for support.

The sun would always be a bright cooper color for them…

"Let's go home…" Ichigo whispered and helped her stand up straight, hugging her when she did. "Let's go home."

They left the graves behind as they slowly paced away from the cliff, painted in that hateful cooper color that seemed to cry for more blood. Where her friends were buried. When Renji was.

Somewhere I the middle of their way, Rukia stopped him with a light squeeze of her hand. He glared at her, surprised to see her trying to smile convincingly. "Rukia?" he called and framed her face with his hands.

"I love you." she simply said and pulled him down for a kiss.

"I love you, too." Ichigo replied when their lips unlocked. Then he hugged her again and kept walking forward, until the cliff, the graves and the sun disappeared.

Through that kiss they shared their pain and their hope. Their fears of the past and dreams for the future.

Their will to keep Renji's undying memory in their hearts without ever letting the fire of their love die down, only grow stronger by his sacrifice.

* * *

Small Dictionary

* tsuka : hilt  
** saya : seethe

* * *

_**That…was tough to write.**_

_**To make things clear, I have nothing personal with Renji. Yes, I like Ichigo x Rukia pairing the most, but, really, I like Renji. It's just that I made him look so weak and in pain from the very beginning that I just couldn't let him in his misery in the end…**_

_**Well, duh. :P I truly hope you liked it, because it really was not easy to write!**_

_**Oh and, I don't own Bleach… (Just to be on the safe side)**_


End file.
